Here We Sit Like Flies on a Garbage Can...

So as many of you know, that's a tried and true camp song. "Here we sit like flies on a garbage can...waiting for our food." (Oops, now I'm going to have that song in my head all night.) Anyway, I'm not waiting for food, I'm waiting for my little preemie to come home. And some days I do feel like pounding on the table and screaming, like the kids (and counselors!) do at camp. :-)

Today was one of those days. By all accounts, Phoebe had a very typical preemie day. She ate all of her bottles, but got really tired with some of them and required extra work. She had two heart rate dips today: one with me sitting right beside her at 11:00 am and one sometime after 7:00 pm. It is not unusual for a preemie her gestational and chronological age to still be having bradys. BUT...yesterday we were told that her Dr. was considering her for discharge much sooner than we expected. So I got all excited and caught up in that idea. We started making plans for Chris to be home and for what needed to be done to be ready for her at home.  But then she had that first brady and the timeline automatically changed. Now we have to add 5-7 days to her stay before she can be considered for discharge.

"Here I sit like flies on a garbage can..."

I was so disappointed. I knew what the brady meant as soon as it happened, but Mary Ann had to break the official decision to me. I must've looked so sad.  Which is kinda silly, because she is still doing so well. She's eating by bottle...she's in an open crib...she's gaining weight...her PDA murmur closed and her PPS murmur doesn't seem to be causing any problems.  Her infection cleared, her lungs cleared, she has no brain bleeds, her ears passed, no evidence at this point of retinopathy of prematurity in her eyes.  She turns her eyes to sound, especially her mommy's voice. And she feels more like a newborn baby and less like a preemie every day.  She's doing great!  You should see some of the babies in that NICU. Some of them have vents and computers and contraptions I've never seen before. Some of them can't be handled because they are too fragile. Some don't get visited much, if at all. Some will go home to a life more hectic than the hospital.  From the outside looking in, it's obvious they are struggling more than Phoebe has. I am SO GRATEFUL that her journey has been fairly gentle and fairly unremarkable. And my heart goes out to those babies and their families who are walking a journey we very well could've walked.

And yet..."Here I sit like flies on a garbage can..."

I just want her to come home. I'm tired of going to the NICU. I'm tired of having to cut my time with all of my kids in half. I'm tired of looking for parking spots on Friendship Ave so I don't have to pay to park in the garage. I'm tired of scrubbing my hands like I have OCD (I'm getting worse and worse about it). I'm tired of double checking with someone else if it's OK for me to hold my baby. I'm tired.

Thankfully, I serve a God who is in that NICU with all those babies and their parents:

²⁸ Have you never heard?
      Have you never understood?
   The Lord is the everlasting God,
      the Creator of all the earth.
   He never grows weak or weary.
      No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
 ²⁹ He gives power to the weak      and strength to the powerless.
 ³⁰ Even youths will become weak and tired,
      and young men will fall in exhaustion.
 ³¹ But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
      They will soar high on wings like eagles.
   They will run and not grow weary.
      They will walk and not faint.

Phoebe will come home when she's ready. There are families with babies in that NICU who would give anything to just be worrying about bradys and anemia. We can be patient. God has been at work in little Phoebe's life from the very beginning and He's at work now. She'll come home in His time, not mine.

So now, my heart sings a new song:

In His time, in His time,
He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

Doesn't she look peaceful? It's like she and God have a plan and we just need to trust them!

Thanks for reading along as I process this phase of our journey! And thanks for praying along!